In which I get assaulted at the WalMart
4/26/09 - The Lord's Day - After Breakfast. Hey y'all. Well, the prognosticators are calling for rain probabilities from now until maybe the 5th day this week. That would be nice. We need several inches, and I know the children would like the rain so they don't have to water the garden for a week or so.
If the Lord wills, there should be some pretty fun and interesting things coming up on this blog over the next few months. The first will be The May Blog Project...
In May, I am turning over the asylum to the inmates. You, the readers, will be writing my blog for the month of May. More details on that in the next day or so, but it should be fun...
I also have a big surprise I am preparing for June, so make sure you stay tuned.
Speaking of big surprises, here is a story for your books...
MICHAEL BUNKER ASSAULTED IN WAL-MART BY CLEAN SHAVEN LUNATIC
Now, generally, I am assaulted only from afar (like over the internet). I'm just not, as a rule, assaulted to my face. Well, the other day I was assaulted by a slicked-back pentecostal preacha-man at the WalMart. Did I ever tell you I hated WalMart? Well, Danielle and I were in the WalMart to pick up some grocery items and some club soda. We were walking down the club soda aisle, which is also the beer/wine aisle in the WalMart. So we're walking along, minding our own business when this slicked back religious preacha-man stops me, and the first of two conversation goes something like this:
PM (Preacha-Man): Hey brother, are you Pentecostal?
ME: Not at all.
PM: Where do y'all go to "church"?
ME: We don't use that terminology.
PM: You're Christians aren't you?
ME: Yes
PM: So where do you fellowship?
ME: We live in a Christian community north of Santa Anna.
PM: Oh. Who's your Pastor?
ME: Ummm... I guess I am.
PM: Do you baptize in Jesus name?
ME: We baptize by Jesus authority in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
PM: Oh brother, they didn't baptize that way in the book of Acts.
ME: The book of Acts is not a recipe book. We have no idea what words were spoken in the few baptisms that were recorded in the book of Acts. But elsewhere in the Bible it tells us by what authority we baptize.
PM: Well, I just feel more comfortable baptizing in Jesus name.
ME: Well, whatever.
Ok, so the conversation goes on, and I'll shorten it here because the actual assault took place later in the second conversation. Anyway, he asked me if I was affiliated with some guy in Bangs and he said his name. I said "No". He said, "Well, that guy is a prophet". I said, "Interesting". He said, "No really, He's a prophet of God". I said, "Never heard of him". So then the guy blubbers some religious mantra and then walks away.
So Danielle and I get the club soda, and then I look over to the beer and say to myself, "Hmmmm... Beer". So I pick up a 12 pack of Shiner (imported from Shiner, Texas).
About 20 minutes later, we are nearly up to the register when PM walks by. He sees the beer in my cart, and makes the Pharisee face...
PM: (very loudly) BROTHER! Is that BEER in your cart?
ME: Absolutely.
PM: BROTHER! We're not supposed to drink beer. It's in the Bible!
ME: No it isn't. Not in one place. I've read the Bible from cover to cover and it's not in there one time. You just made that up.
PM: REALLY BROTHER! The Bible says that what goes in the mouth (indicates his mouth) defiles you!
ME: Actually, the Bible says the exact opposite,( and I quote) "There is nothing from without a man, that entering into him can defile him: but the things which come out of him, those are they that defile the man" (Mark 7:15). Man, you just misquoted the Bible and it says the exact opposite of what you just said.
PM: Oh, so you can smoke marijuana then BROTHER? (He is now speaking very loudly).
ME: Wait a minute, that is just stupid. Marijuana is illegal. Did you hear that I just showed that you misquoted the Bible?
PM: You should go put it back!
ME: I won't do it.
PM: BROTHER! How are we going to get these young people into the "church" if the pastors are buying beer at the store?
ME: I'm not in the business of getting young people into the "church". Aren't you concerned a little bit that you misquoted the Bible? You don't know the Bible, do you?
PM: So you are saying you can smoke marijuana?
ME: Listen, Marijuana is illegal. And it is beside the point. Why do you ignore what the Bible says you should do, LIKE GROW A BEARD, while you walk around with your face smooth like woman and saying the Bible says something it doesn't say?
PM: Grow a beard? I couldn't grow a beard (he makes the "yuck" face). Anyway, the Bible doesn't say anything about growing a beard, it says that it is a shame for a man to have long hair.
ME: Actually it says you shouldn't shave, go read it in Leviticus (Lev. 19:27).
PM: A beard? No. Anyways, doesn't your conscience bother you when you buy beer?
ME: Not even a little bit. Does your conscience bother you when you do things the Bible forbids, and when you forbid things the Bible allows? Doesn't it bother you that you don't even know what the Bible says? Do you feel comfortable assaulting strangers in a store with your own opinions.
PM: You should put it back. Go put it back.
ME: Go read Leviticus and we'll talk.
PM: Your conscience doesn't bother you... even a little bit?
ME: No
PM: That's BAD Brother. That's BAD, if your conscience doesn't bother you.
PM: You reject the ordinances and commands of God, but you impose your own opinions and traditions as if it was the Word of God, doesn't that bother YOUR conscience?
PM: You should put it back, go put it back brother.
Then he walks off.
Now, I ask you all to consider and bring to your recollection the talks Jesus had with the Pharisees. They didn't care one whit what God Himself had said. All they cared about was their petty traditions and their own opinions. I refer you to my recent sermon "I Think". This Pharisee didn't care one bit about what the Bible says. When he was showed that he had misquoted the Bible, claiming that it said the exact opposite of what it does say, he just acted like it didn't happen. When he was shown that he was violating the scripture by walking around with his face smooth like a woman's face, he just ignored it. He had his own opinion, and he deified his own opinion as if it were equal to the Word of God.
Now, frankly, I've had about all of that junk that I can stand. I am so sick of the neo-pentecostal and independent Baptist pharisees preaching the exact opposite of what the Bible says. I am tired of the purveyors of Gobbeldy-Greek trying to shove down our throats that alcohol is forbidden in the scriptures and that wine was actually grape juice. They are not only Biblically ignorant, they are grotesquely historically ignorant. The Puritans, Pilgrims, Reformers drank wine and beer... AND LOTS OF IT, and they did so to the glory of God. The Pilgrims got off the Mayflower because they ran out of beer, and the first permanent building built in the "New World" was the brewery. If any one of these nitwits ever studied history instead of the pabulum they spew they would likely think differently. Idiots. They twist the scriptures to their own destruction, and just for good measure...
LOOK AROUND
This particular wicked religious mentality is what has created and expanded all the evil and wickedness you see around you. These religious prohibitionists have been in charge of the nominal "church" for well over 100 years, and look what they have given you. Billy Sunday, that lying abolitionist and prohibitionist told everyone that if they banned alcohol, towns could sell their jails and that the world would enter into a new era of righteousness and holiness. Billy Sunday, that covetous liar who denied the sovereignty of God, believed that drinking alcohol was sinful, but twisting the Word of God was perfectly fine. In fact, his preaching and lies were manifested openly in the lives of his own wicked children, and the society to which he preached abstention became many times more wicked... crime flourished and became more organized, and professing "christianity" apostatized even that much more. So-called "churches" banned alcohol from their lives and tried to ban it in their communities, and gave their children Arminianism, Industrialism, and worldliness in its place. They got themselves drunk on greed, stuff, capitalism, advancement, leisure, vacation, retirement, and they've not yet ever sobered up.
Now, 100 years later, some shiny faced biblically ignorant apostate feels that confronting me in a store, even while he openly violates numerous Biblical commands, and even while he feels totally comfortable misquoting the Bible, is perfectly fine. He desires to manipulate "christianity" into his own wicked image.
I know why Christ was infuriated with mindless religious robots, and why he had mercy and extended grace to the meek and ignorant.
The only nice thing I can say about this preacher/fool is that at least he didn't try to stun me with a bunch of Gobbledy-Greek or convince me with cunning twisticraft that the communion wine was grape juice. That kind of stupidity, joined with this guy's unmatched gall might have pushed me to immoderation in temper, and I am thoroughly against immoderation.
If I see him again in town, I have every intention of saying, "Look honey, it's the pope of the Church of 'I Think'".
Amen.
Your servant in Christ Jesus,
Michael Bunker
If the Lord wills, there should be some pretty fun and interesting things coming up on this blog over the next few months. The first will be The May Blog Project...
In May, I am turning over the asylum to the inmates. You, the readers, will be writing my blog for the month of May. More details on that in the next day or so, but it should be fun...
I also have a big surprise I am preparing for June, so make sure you stay tuned.
Speaking of big surprises, here is a story for your books...
MICHAEL BUNKER ASSAULTED IN WAL-MART BY CLEAN SHAVEN LUNATIC
Now, generally, I am assaulted only from afar (like over the internet). I'm just not, as a rule, assaulted to my face. Well, the other day I was assaulted by a slicked-back pentecostal preacha-man at the WalMart. Did I ever tell you I hated WalMart? Well, Danielle and I were in the WalMart to pick up some grocery items and some club soda. We were walking down the club soda aisle, which is also the beer/wine aisle in the WalMart. So we're walking along, minding our own business when this slicked back religious preacha-man stops me, and the first of two conversation goes something like this:
PM (Preacha-Man): Hey brother, are you Pentecostal?
ME: Not at all.
PM: Where do y'all go to "church"?
ME: We don't use that terminology.
PM: You're Christians aren't you?
ME: Yes
PM: So where do you fellowship?
ME: We live in a Christian community north of Santa Anna.
PM: Oh. Who's your Pastor?
ME: Ummm... I guess I am.
PM: Do you baptize in Jesus name?
ME: We baptize by Jesus authority in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
PM: Oh brother, they didn't baptize that way in the book of Acts.
ME: The book of Acts is not a recipe book. We have no idea what words were spoken in the few baptisms that were recorded in the book of Acts. But elsewhere in the Bible it tells us by what authority we baptize.
PM: Well, I just feel more comfortable baptizing in Jesus name.
ME: Well, whatever.
Ok, so the conversation goes on, and I'll shorten it here because the actual assault took place later in the second conversation. Anyway, he asked me if I was affiliated with some guy in Bangs and he said his name. I said "No". He said, "Well, that guy is a prophet". I said, "Interesting". He said, "No really, He's a prophet of God". I said, "Never heard of him". So then the guy blubbers some religious mantra and then walks away.
So Danielle and I get the club soda, and then I look over to the beer and say to myself, "Hmmmm... Beer". So I pick up a 12 pack of Shiner (imported from Shiner, Texas).
About 20 minutes later, we are nearly up to the register when PM walks by. He sees the beer in my cart, and makes the Pharisee face...
PM: (very loudly) BROTHER! Is that BEER in your cart?
ME: Absolutely.
PM: BROTHER! We're not supposed to drink beer. It's in the Bible!
ME: No it isn't. Not in one place. I've read the Bible from cover to cover and it's not in there one time. You just made that up.
PM: REALLY BROTHER! The Bible says that what goes in the mouth (indicates his mouth) defiles you!
ME: Actually, the Bible says the exact opposite,( and I quote) "There is nothing from without a man, that entering into him can defile him: but the things which come out of him, those are they that defile the man" (Mark 7:15). Man, you just misquoted the Bible and it says the exact opposite of what you just said.
PM: Oh, so you can smoke marijuana then BROTHER? (He is now speaking very loudly).
ME: Wait a minute, that is just stupid. Marijuana is illegal. Did you hear that I just showed that you misquoted the Bible?
PM: You should go put it back!
ME: I won't do it.
PM: BROTHER! How are we going to get these young people into the "church" if the pastors are buying beer at the store?
ME: I'm not in the business of getting young people into the "church". Aren't you concerned a little bit that you misquoted the Bible? You don't know the Bible, do you?
PM: So you are saying you can smoke marijuana?
ME: Listen, Marijuana is illegal. And it is beside the point. Why do you ignore what the Bible says you should do, LIKE GROW A BEARD, while you walk around with your face smooth like woman and saying the Bible says something it doesn't say?
PM: Grow a beard? I couldn't grow a beard (he makes the "yuck" face). Anyway, the Bible doesn't say anything about growing a beard, it says that it is a shame for a man to have long hair.
ME: Actually it says you shouldn't shave, go read it in Leviticus (Lev. 19:27).
PM: A beard? No. Anyways, doesn't your conscience bother you when you buy beer?
ME: Not even a little bit. Does your conscience bother you when you do things the Bible forbids, and when you forbid things the Bible allows? Doesn't it bother you that you don't even know what the Bible says? Do you feel comfortable assaulting strangers in a store with your own opinions.
PM: You should put it back. Go put it back.
ME: Go read Leviticus and we'll talk.
PM: Your conscience doesn't bother you... even a little bit?
ME: No
PM: That's BAD Brother. That's BAD, if your conscience doesn't bother you.
PM: You reject the ordinances and commands of God, but you impose your own opinions and traditions as if it was the Word of God, doesn't that bother YOUR conscience?
PM: You should put it back, go put it back brother.
Then he walks off.
Now, I ask you all to consider and bring to your recollection the talks Jesus had with the Pharisees. They didn't care one whit what God Himself had said. All they cared about was their petty traditions and their own opinions. I refer you to my recent sermon "I Think". This Pharisee didn't care one bit about what the Bible says. When he was showed that he had misquoted the Bible, claiming that it said the exact opposite of what it does say, he just acted like it didn't happen. When he was shown that he was violating the scripture by walking around with his face smooth like a woman's face, he just ignored it. He had his own opinion, and he deified his own opinion as if it were equal to the Word of God.
Now, frankly, I've had about all of that junk that I can stand. I am so sick of the neo-pentecostal and independent Baptist pharisees preaching the exact opposite of what the Bible says. I am tired of the purveyors of Gobbeldy-Greek trying to shove down our throats that alcohol is forbidden in the scriptures and that wine was actually grape juice. They are not only Biblically ignorant, they are grotesquely historically ignorant. The Puritans, Pilgrims, Reformers drank wine and beer... AND LOTS OF IT, and they did so to the glory of God. The Pilgrims got off the Mayflower because they ran out of beer, and the first permanent building built in the "New World" was the brewery. If any one of these nitwits ever studied history instead of the pabulum they spew they would likely think differently. Idiots. They twist the scriptures to their own destruction, and just for good measure...
LOOK AROUND
This particular wicked religious mentality is what has created and expanded all the evil and wickedness you see around you. These religious prohibitionists have been in charge of the nominal "church" for well over 100 years, and look what they have given you. Billy Sunday, that lying abolitionist and prohibitionist told everyone that if they banned alcohol, towns could sell their jails and that the world would enter into a new era of righteousness and holiness. Billy Sunday, that covetous liar who denied the sovereignty of God, believed that drinking alcohol was sinful, but twisting the Word of God was perfectly fine. In fact, his preaching and lies were manifested openly in the lives of his own wicked children, and the society to which he preached abstention became many times more wicked... crime flourished and became more organized, and professing "christianity" apostatized even that much more. So-called "churches" banned alcohol from their lives and tried to ban it in their communities, and gave their children Arminianism, Industrialism, and worldliness in its place. They got themselves drunk on greed, stuff, capitalism, advancement, leisure, vacation, retirement, and they've not yet ever sobered up.
Now, 100 years later, some shiny faced biblically ignorant apostate feels that confronting me in a store, even while he openly violates numerous Biblical commands, and even while he feels totally comfortable misquoting the Bible, is perfectly fine. He desires to manipulate "christianity" into his own wicked image.
I know why Christ was infuriated with mindless religious robots, and why he had mercy and extended grace to the meek and ignorant.
The only nice thing I can say about this preacher/fool is that at least he didn't try to stun me with a bunch of Gobbledy-Greek or convince me with cunning twisticraft that the communion wine was grape juice. That kind of stupidity, joined with this guy's unmatched gall might have pushed me to immoderation in temper, and I am thoroughly against immoderation.
If I see him again in town, I have every intention of saying, "Look honey, it's the pope of the Church of 'I Think'".
Amen.
Your servant in Christ Jesus,
Michael Bunker
posted by Michael Bunker at 4/26/2009 07:12:00 AM
10 Comments:
Maybe instead, ask him if he's been reading his bible.
It would be nice to think this person was willing to consider scripture as his guide, but from your description it did not sound like he was able to have a rational and reasoned conversation.
When you said assault, I was glad to read it was not a physical assault.
Yep, just the trip to that destination, in and of itself, would be loathsome enough, but to then be accosted by Mr Pentecostal pinhead preacha, well, that's the cherry on top eh!
My sympathies to you both. :-)
BB
You're killin' me man... you had to pick up the beer didn't you. And that fancy imported stuff too!
I have been planning on reading your sermon on The Biblical case for the Beard over at Lazarus Unbound and now you've twisted my arm. Two funny things on this, when I was younger I was going to join a certain Spurgeon Bible College until I found that they prohibited any facial hair on their students ...Spurgeon,Duh...And as another side note, a friend who was converted from the Amish told me that they get the prohibition against mustache wearing from Leviticus. He didn't know where from though. You see, he was a son of the teaching elder and the Amish (at least in Kentucky)are taught that they cannot read, or even posess a bible in their vulgar tongue for fear that they might not interpret it the same way as the elder. They even preached in German which very few of the people understand. Kind of like Romanism with an agrarian twist.Very sad. Thankfully, He learned enough German to read the Bible for himself and then found out about Jesus...at 29 years of age. Of course he was shunned and forced out of the community, but he has led two family members out with him. The Lord is faithful in calling His elect, wherever they be. I'll read that sermon now
"You're traveling through another dimension -- a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's a signpost up ahead: your next stop: The PM Zone"
The absurdity of said PM had me laughing, good job Michael.
Just wanted to let you know that I love reading all you write and that I am still here!
Mandie,
Thank you! A little encouragement goes a long way, and I'm glad you're still out there.
Michael
I, too, enjoy reading what you write. It is true that our ancestors drank beer and wine and probably would have died had they drank the water. But what is the proper interpretation of the verses in the Bible that says the priesthood should abstain from wine and strong drink? When I was in the corporate church pastors were always using those verses to show that Christians should not drink alcoholic beverages. Thank you much, Sonya
Sonya,
First of all we need to make some glaring points about your comment.
1. There is no "priesthood" today except the Melchizedekian priesthood which is the priesthood with Christ as High Priest. There is no "priest class". The elect are a nation of priests, and the Pilgrims, Puritans and Reformers knew that.
2. Nowhere in all the Bible does it say that priests or any man (except those under either a Nazarite or Essene vow) should ABSTAIN from strong drink. The word ABSTAIN means that it would be unlawful to drink it.
This is the problem, because people take very specific things that are said about very specific people - and the specificity ought to show us that it was common among the other people not mentioned. For example, it is very specifically said about Samuel and John the Baptist that they were to completely abstain from wine and strong drink, because of the vows they would be under. This specificity proves that, had they not been under that particular vow, the wine and strong drink would have been lawful.
So we have to be very careful when using the word ABSTAIN, because to ABSTAIN would be unlawful when the Lord Himself commanded the disciples to eat wine, made wine for the people, and drank wine Himself.
We preach what the Bible preaches... MODERATION, which permits what the Bible permits, and outlaws what the Bible condemns (drunkennesss).
Michael
Excellent. Thank you for clearing that up for me. I'll remember it the next time I'm enjoying a glass of wine in the company of my Christian relatives. Sonya
Ugh...When I was a child I attended a pentecostal church...The men were pretty much forbidden to wear beards (unless they were growing them out to play Jesus in the Easter play - :insert eye rolling here:). That pentecostal preacher sounds just as arrogant and ignorant as the one in the church I grew up in...He ridiculed and berated my mother for homeschooling, not working and home birthing...nice huh?
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